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…and as I’m diving behind a metal dumpster beneath a hail of bullets I realize that I have the warranty paperwork right in my back pocket.
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… the donkey was a little noisy and I’ve never seen that many pickles before in my life, but the webinar was totally worth handing over my social security number.
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… but, his make-up artist did such an incredible job that the old lady shiv’d the poor bastard with the spork that came with her hospital meal. I’ve never seen a 90-year-old move that quickly or scream so loudly.
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…and I don’t care how many tours of duty the guy served in Vietnam - not even the most decorated war hero in history has the right to do that to a bowl of soft-serve.
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… I know she’s my mother, but I can’t bring myself to tell her. Besides, anybody’s going to be seriously pissed when its their favorite goat statuette.
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… I know it was a little excessive, but the rest stop bathroom has never been so squeaky clean and I haven’t since heard a single complaint from him about eating his vegetables.
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…and it’s not like the toilet wasn’t 5 feet away. Regardless, that’s the last time I take my father to Korean BBQ on Game Show Night.
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…and the wedding party is screaming and crying like it’s the first time they’ve seen a coyote maul and consume a house cat. She did look beautiful, though. Well, before the screaming.
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… and I hugged a couple whales with my nuts.
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… and now the iPad is all sticky and my car smells like I drove it through a Tallahassee yogurt factory in the dead of Summer.
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… but, once you add a little bit of lemon juice, you can barely tell it’s 90% manure. My trophy case has never looked so good.
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rachelbennett asked: Are all of these purely hypothetical?
Only the funny ones.
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… and the worst part is that his teeth weren’t even real gold. The customer service lady was cool, though - I’m pretty much set for life in the pickled egg department.
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… so, the moral of the story is this: if somebody ever offers you “Portuguese Mustard”, run like hell.
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… anyway, that talking squirrel was totally crazy - the duplex-er addition for my printer was the best $50 I’ve ever spent.
