Wait, What?

"…and as I’m diving behind a metal dumpster beneath a hail of bullets I realize that I..."

brettkelly — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 16:30:30 -0800

“…and as I’m diving behind a metal dumpster beneath a hail of bullets I realize that I have the warranty paperwork right in my back pocket.””

"… the donkey was a little noisy and I’ve never seen that many pickles before in my life,..."

brettkelly — Tue, 14 Sep 2010 12:22:51 -0700

“… the donkey was a little noisy and I’ve never seen that many pickles before in my life, but the webinar was totally worth handing over my social security number.”

"… but, his make-up artist did such an incredible job that the old lady shiv’d the poor..."

brettkelly — Sun, 12 Sep 2010 10:19:45 -0700

“… but, his make-up artist did such an incredible job that the old lady shiv’d the poor bastard with the spork that came with her hospital meal. I’ve never seen a 90-year-old move that quickly or scream so loudly.”

"…and I don’t care how many tours of duty the guy served in Vietnam - not even the most..."

brettkelly — Sat, 11 Sep 2010 09:00:47 -0700

“…and I don’t care how many tours of duty the guy served in Vietnam - not even the most decorated war hero in history has the right to do that to a bowl of soft-serve.”

"… I know she’s my mother, but I can’t bring myself to tell her. Besides,..."

brettkelly — Fri, 10 Sep 2010 10:27:50 -0700

“… I know she’s my mother, but I can’t bring myself to tell her. Besides, anybody’s going to be seriously pissed when its their favorite goat statuette.”

"… I know it was a little excessive, but the rest stop bathroom has never been so squeaky clean..."

brettkelly — Thu, 09 Sep 2010 11:01:47 -0700

“… I know it was a little excessive, but the rest stop bathroom has never been so squeaky clean and I haven’t since heard a single complaint from him about eating his vegetables.”

"…and it’s not like the toilet wasn’t 5 feet away. Regardless, that’s the..."

brettkelly — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 12:01:52 -0700

“…and it’s not like the toilet wasn’t 5 feet away. Regardless, that’s the last time I take my father to Korean BBQ on Game Show Night.”

"…and the wedding party is screaming and crying like it’s the first time they’ve..."

brettkelly — Thu, 05 Aug 2010 21:33:44 -0700

“…and the wedding party is screaming and crying like it’s the first time they’ve seen a coyote maul and consume a house cat. She did look beautiful, though. Well, before the screaming.”

"… and I hugged a couple whales with my nuts."

brettkelly — Sun, 18 Jul 2010 21:36:53 -0700

“… and I hugged a couple whales with my nuts.”

"… and now the iPad is all sticky and my car smells like I drove it through a Tallahassee..."

brettkelly — Tue, 06 Jul 2010 11:13:46 -0700

“… and now the iPad is all sticky and my car smells like I drove it through a Tallahassee yogurt factory in the dead of Summer.”

"… but, once you add a little bit of lemon juice, you can barely tell it’s 90% manure. My..."

brettkelly — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 13:47:49 -0700

“… but, once you add a little bit of lemon juice, you can barely tell it’s 90% manure. My trophy case has never looked so good.”

Are all of these purely hypothetical?

Mon, 28 Jun 2010 14:24:36 -0700

Only the funny ones.

"… and the worst part is that his teeth weren’t even real gold. The customer service lady..."

brettkelly — Sat, 26 Jun 2010 20:18:54 -0700

“… and the worst part is that his teeth weren’t even real gold. The customer service lady was cool, though - I’m pretty much set for life in the pickled egg department.”

"… so, the moral of the story is this: if somebody ever offers you “Portuguese..."

brettkelly — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 15:39:43 -0700

“… so, the moral of the story is this: if somebody ever offers you “Portuguese Mustard”, run like hell.”

"… anyway, that talking squirrel was totally crazy - the duplex-er addition for my printer was..."

brettkelly — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 15:36:47 -0700

“… anyway, that talking squirrel was totally crazy - the duplex-er addition for my printer was the best $50 I’ve ever spent.”

"… and then the clown just rolled off on the unicycle without even thanking me or offering to..."

brettkelly — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 18:59:02 -0700

“… and then the clown just rolled off on the unicycle without even thanking me or offering to get me more horseradish.”

"… and I know it sounds old-fashioned, but I’ll never get tired of throwing up at that..."

brettkelly — Sun, 13 Jun 2010 16:37:17 -0700

“… and I know it sounds old-fashioned, but I’ll never get tired of throwing up at that bar.”

"… and then the guy starts prattling on about the time he spent in prison and ends up having a..."

brettkelly — Fri, 28 May 2010 14:16:01 -0700

“… and then the guy starts prattling on about the time he spent in prison and ends up having a stroke right there at the podium. It totally sucked, but whatever - free tote bag.”

"… and I obviously didn’t set out to contract tetanus, but that was the most persuasive..."

brettkelly — Thu, 27 May 2010 12:04:48 -0700

“… and I obviously didn’t set out to contract tetanus, but that was the most persuasive barber I’ve ever met in my life.”

"I don’t care how confident you are in your skills as a chemist, I’m not touching a..."

brettkelly — Thu, 27 May 2010 09:52:48 -0700

“I don’t care how confident you are in your skills as a chemist, I’m not touching a moose’s ass and that’s final.”